Bottoms Up: A Journey from Despair to Freedom Through Service
by Lauren Dummit, LMFT, CST, CSAT-S
Like many my story of recovery started with a spiritual, emotional, and physical bottom, a moment of incomprehensible demoralization. I couldn’t look at anyone in the eye or stand to look at myself in the mirror. I was in so much shame and hopelessness that I stood outside the doors, stalking this 12-step meeting because I was too afraid to go in. To quote my first sponsor, “I may not have been thinking much of myself, but I was all I thought about.” All day and night I meditated on my resentments, my regrets, my lost relationships, all the pain I had caused others, how many people were disappointed in me or thought I was crazy, my broken heart, how much trouble I was in, or fears and the future paralyzed me, what people would think of me, getting fired, the list went on. Self-deprecating thoughts dominated my consciousness.
Within the first few days of joining the meetings, this man, whom I knew had been old friends with my dad, approached me and asked if he could talk to me. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment and shame. I didn’t want to be linked to my family; I should say I didn’t want him to see my family as connected to me. I was so worried about him discovering that my family wasn’t perfect or that my dad had a daughter who was such a screw-up. But the words he said to me, words I will never forget, were precisely what I needed to hear in that very moment. His words saved my life.
He told me that he had heard about me and had heard about what I had done during my “bottom,” which had been the lowest, darkest point in my life up until then. As he continued to talk, with that light-hearted smile on his face, my whole body got hot, and my limbs became rigid; I thought my knees would give out. I was so embarrassed I wanted to jump out of my skin. But, as he went on, I slowly realized he was not trying to shame me; he was just trying to show me empathy by sharing the experience of his own spiritual bottom, which involved having hit someone with his car. At the same time, he was drunk and high and killing them, which was far worse than what I had done.
I felt like I had swallowed a grapefruit as I tried to get the words out when he asked how I felt. I responded that I hated myself, that I felt like a monster and just wanted to die. He just hugged me, smiled this knowing smile, and laughed, “Ok, well you’ve got to let that go. You are just stuck in yourself. When you are stuck in self, you can’t be of service to others.” He explained that perhaps everything that had led me here to this very moment in my life had happened for a reason. Maybe I was “meant” to use this experience to help others. He assured me, “I know you don’t feel like it right now, but one day, you will look back on this event and think it’s the best thing that ever happened to you and feel so grateful for your experience. That’s what happened to me.”
He told me how once he surrendered to his Higher Power and humbly dedicated the rest of his life to serving others, he slowly started to heal from the shame and intense self-hatred he once felt. He moved from being completely self-centered to other-centered. He laughed again, “I just try not to think about myself too much.” He encouraged me to get into action immediately, pick up a broom right now, sweep, give up my seat to a newcomer, take commitments, offer to do chores for my mother, call someone struggling, etc. He promised me that if I just filled my mind with thoughts of how and who I could help, I would start to feel better.
That night, as I sat on the couch in my parent’s home after they had gone to bed, thinking about the complete lack of meaning and purpose in my life, just praying to die, my mom came down, seeming so worried and sad to see me so distraught but with so much love and peace in her face. When I shared how I was feeling, she sat down next to me and responded, “You know, if God put you here for no other purpose, no other purpose at all, then perhaps it was just to spread kindness to someone else, to try to make someone else’s day better.”
Perhaps it wasn’t coincidental that she would give me these simple words after the very similar message I had received from my dad’s old friend just that very morning. Since I felt so broken in that moment, I had no better plan, I was like a dog with my tail between my legs. I decided to trust this kind man and listen to my mother, one of the few people I knew would always have my back and love me unconditionally. If he could heal emotionally and spiritually, staying sober for 24 years after what he had done, so could I. I became willing to try whatever he suggested. I could do that. Maybe it didn’t have to be something grandiose. I could just spread kindness like my mother had suggested.
As I threw myself into service from that moment until now, I gradually became relieved from “the bondage of self.” My first sponsor kept reminding me that I had to do estimable acts if I wanted to build self-esteem. She was so wise. Throughout the years I have been in recovery, I have built a life around being of service. At times when I have wrestled with depression, my sponsor would remind me that I was spending too much time thinking of myself and would push me to call someone who was having a more challenging time than me. At times when I have struggled with social anxiety, I have reminded myself to just get into action, to find a way to be of service in some way, and to shift my focus to being “other-centered.”
Not only has this practice helped me build self-esteem, feel that I have a purpose, feel more connected to others, and heal relationships, but the loving energy that I put out comes back to me. Giving just feels good. This along with my daily gratitude lists has been the single most significant factor not only in my recovery but in my overall sense of happiness in life. I have no regrets because I know that everything that has happened in my life thus far has led me to where I am now. My experiences have had meaning. They have allowed me to grow spiritually so that I can help others. They have given me the ability to feel deep compassion. Today, I love my life because I feel more connected to you. I feel part of a whole, something bigger than myself.
The ego has an important function; it protects us and ensures our survival. It is a primitive defense mechanism that is driven by fear of not having enough or losing what we have. It is all about the “I.” The spiritual path is an evolved state in which we are motivated by what is in the best interest of the “we” instead of just the “I.” When we are solely self-focused, we isolate ourselves, becoming lonely and filled with fear. When we are other-focused, we can feel connected, in union with the natural flow of life.
Creating a peaceful life in recovery is about finding balance, which often occurs slowly over time. This requires us to develop healthy boundaries. When we are new in our recovery, we usually lack healthy boundaries and are accustomed to living in the extremes. So, we may take on too much, finding ourselves frantically busy or overwhelmed, which can provide a mechanism to avoid feeling our emotions, which can be addicting in and of itself.
While service is called “service” for a reason, meaning it is not always convenient for us, it is only truly “service” if it is given freely from the heart without expecting anything in return. If we give with expectations or resentment, it is more indicative of lacking healthy boundaries and may be a symptom of underlying codependence. Often addicts have been very selfish in their disease so being of service is about taking contrary action. However, for those who struggle with always putting other’s needs first at the expense of their own, taking contrary action may look very different.
The recovery journey is a process, and one’s growth often evolves gradually over time. Finding balance is frequently a process of trial and error as we discover what works for us. It is vital that we not only demonstrate love and tolerance for others along our path but that we also show love and compassion towards ourselves.